It’s been eighteen months since I started trying to turn my life around. Sometimes I don’t feel much different though. I’m starting to doubt my purpose for all of this.
Early last year, I decided my life needed to change for the better. So I started going to the gym twice a week and doing yoga at home. My purpose was to be more fit and hopefully it would help my IBS symptoms too. I also thought it wouldn’t hurt for finding love. It has helped my fitness levels but has it done anything else for me? Not really, but I continue to push myself to keep going.
That’s when I started singing lessons as well, so I could get involved with the local arts council and their musical productions. After never singing in my life, I auditioned for the first show that came along and ended up in the cast. I had such an amazing time and met so many great people. But then I didn’t get into the next show and had to settle for helping backstage. And their latest show was for a younger cast plus I will be away a lot during rehearsals.
My purpose there was to make friends and do something I love. Outside of the show, I have only caught up once with someone in nearly a year. And now that’s two shows in a row where I don’t get to be on stage. I’m starting to wonder if it was all worth it. It has given me back a lot of my confidence though. Plus I found this love for singing, which I didn’t expect. I feel like I’ve made so much progress in how well I sing.
I believe I’m a much better version of myself that I was. It’s just really hard to keep motivated when things don’t go my way. I think my kids are really proud of me with everything I’ve done. My new job couldn’t be any better and I’m sure I’ll get a promotion in the next six months. Sometimes I still feel lost and without purpose though. I think it comes back to my main issue. I am lonely.