Almost seems like these days that I have mixed emotions about everything. Here’s the latest situation causing it…
After having the time of my life last year being part of the cast in the local musical, I thought I had finally found my family in this country. Then I auditioned for the next one with a lot more confidence and didn’t get in. It was heartbreaking, but mainly because I really wanted hang around with these people again.
The director of this new show is my singing teacher and I offered to help backstage. Part of me thought it would be embarrassing but I wanted to push through that and do something I enjoy again. The show is starting next week and I went to my first few rehearsals recently.
It was really nice when I walked in there again and so many people came up to me with big hugs. Then the director told everyone I was helping backstage and there was a big cheer, which was surprising. Watching this talented cast perform was amazing and it was good to be back.
At the rehearsals since then, things changed a bit and here’s where my mixed emotions come in. First of all, it’s great to be a part of this show and I’m excited to get into the theatre. But I also see how much fun the cast have with each other and it’s not quite the same with the crew. And watching them more makes me sad that I’m not on stage performing with them. Jealousy definitely isn’t a factor as they are all doing so well and deserve to be there. I just wish I was too.
That also brings back the feelings of disappointment and anger from when I didn’t get cast. I remember feeling like they didn’t like me or my performance in the last show. And now that things are getting stressful for a lot of them leading up to live shows, I almost feel invisible a lot of the time.
So I go from being excited about the show to being indifferent and even sad. I feel like they like me, then not so much. I’m happy to be a part of it but disappointed it’s not on stage. Sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m grateful. There are so many mixed emotions flowing through me and I’m honestly not sure how it will go once the show starts. Because I don’t have the nerves of being on stage, I do feel more relaxed. So hopefully that will make it easier to chat with people and make some friends I can actually hang out with. Crossing my fingers…