It was my birthday yesterday. Apart from a few wonderful hours with my kids, it ended up being a painful reminder of how alone I truly am.
Living in Australia, you would think the time difference between here and Canada would be any advantage on my birthday. Messages would come through on the actual date here then continue into the next day when it’s actually my birthday in Canada.
The last few years since my separation, I’ve struggled to make any close friends here. So on my birthdays, I didn’t exactly expect a lot of messages from my Australian friends. Most years I was lucky to get a few. But yesterday, I really thought after making such a huge effort last year, that I would receive a lot more well wishes. I felt like I made so many more connections here, especially with the local arts council and the shows I’ve been a part of. Instead, it ended up being a painful reminder…
Yesterday, I got to work early. I’ve only been in this job for a few months so didn’t expect anyone to know about my birthday, though I was friends with a few of them on Facebook. No one realized for the first couple hours. I only said something, as weirdly enough, someone else had the same birthday and everyone was wishing him well.
During the whole day at work, I received four messages. My parents in Canada each texted as they know the time difference. My ex mother in law also sent me a text and one friend from the arts council messaged on Facebook.
I was already pretty disappointed. But I put on my happy face before picking my kids up. They were so wonderful to me and I was glad we went out for dinner. In the few hours I was with them, I only received one more message on Facebook from someone else from the shows.
After dropping them off, I was awake for another few hours. In that time, I received one more Facebook message from someone I used to work with that I don’t even know that well. Not one text from anyone else. I just felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. What’s wrong with me? Why does no one care?
I woke up this morning with some hope that there would be messages on Facebook from my Canadian friends and family. It was disappointing to see that there was only about five messages, mainly from parents of childhood friends. It’s still early there, I thought to myself.
My brothers each texted me today, which was really nice. It’s now nearly midnight in Canada on my birthday and I’ve received a grand total of 15 Facebook messages out of over 250 friends. There’s a few of my close friends too that haven’t sent anything. It’s sad that social media is a way to measure how much people care about me, but I didn’t receive any texts, other than my family.
I have tried so hard this past year. Got out of my comfort zone so many times and tried to meet people. I also ensured I messaged everyone on their birthdays and liked their posts more than usual. After all that, I am left with the painful reminder of being alone. There are very few people that really care enough to send a simple birthday message.
Here I am, sitting at home, as I couldn’t even stay at work today. Decided to have a mental health day, get some rest. And I’m wondering if this loneliness will ever end…