Loneliness isn’t a great feeling. But there are different ways to be lonely. During the last few years of my marriage, I felt lonely and trapped. My wife didn’t pay much attention to me, we never hung out with any friends, and the rest of my family was halfway across the world. And it seemed like there was nothing to look forward to, no way out.
Since we separated, it’s been a different kind of lonely. I obviously don’t see the kids as much as before. And I’ve found it difficult to make any really great friends in this country. My childhood was different to theirs. My interests in sports are different. Just always seemed like I didn’t have enough in common to carry conversations. But that could have been my low self confidence too… I’ve gotten along with most people at work over the years, but very few have been friends to see after work.
So I’ve only had a handful of visits from any friends over the last three years. If my kids aren’t there, I’m on my own. Had to talk to a mediator recently for the property settlement with my ex and he was asking about my support system. When I explained I had no friends or family close by to help out, he commented that it must be really tough. It was the first time saying that out loud and it was very emotional. If something amazing happens to me, like if I won the lottery, and it happened in the evening, there would be no one I could call (as my friends and family in Canada would be sleeping!).
COVID reared its ugly head less than a year after separation too. So even once I was ready to get back out there and make some new friends or start some new hobbies, I couldn’t because of lockdowns or restrictions. For a while, it seemed like things were getting better with COVID and I auditioned for a musical with the local arts council. It had been a long time since I did any acting considering it had always been my one true passion. I got a role and felt like it was going to be my turning point. Getting involved and making new friends would be great! My role was a smaller one and wasn’t needed for the first month of rehearsals. Then lockdowns started happening again and the arts council decided to cancel the show. It was heartbreaking.
Then there’s the dating apps… I’ve tried them all! Hardly any matches in all that time and haven’t actually met anyone in real life. Hazards of living in a small town too I guess. Sometimes I feel hopeful that I’ll meet someone, sometimes I feel like I never will. Haven’t even had any physical intimacy with anyone for many years now!
The reason it’s a different kind of lonely now though is that I’m not trapped. There are possibilities out there, I do get hopeful sometimes. My confidence grows every day. And after nearly three years of not visiting Canada, the international borders finally opened up recently. And here I am, sitting in Canada, finally able to see all my family and friends. And preparing to take back my life once I arrive back in Australia!