There is a lot going on this week in my life. Some of it is good, but not everything. All I know is I’m trying my best…
I finished up at the job I hated last week. My new job starts in about a week. You would think I should have all this time to relax and prepare for this new career. Not sure where to start, to be honest.
My singing teacher has an end of year concert for her students so that their friends and family can come and see them perform. That’s in a few days so I’ve been practicing my song every day. After what’s happened with not getting into the cast of the new show, my confidence isn’t great. It’s a weird feeling, as I’m not that nervous but also not that excited. I feel like I’m going to embarrass myself, as there are a lot of amazing singers performing.
It’s my weekend with the kids coming up, which means they can come with me to the concert. It’s already pretty late for them and now I realize we need to be there an hour before the concert too. My daughter has such bad anxiety that she feels sick to her stomach all the time, so it’s always worrying for her to go to something like this. And now she has to be there longer, which I told her last night. I told her we would figure it out and it wasn’t a big deal if she would rather skip it altogether, as I wasn’t that excited about it anyways.
A couple hours after I dropped off the kids back at their place, I received a text from their mother. It was a long message describing the meltdown my daughter had after getting home and essentially blaming me because of my negativity towards performing in the concert. I really don’t feel like I was being negative, just didn’t want to pressure her into coming. So I told my ex that in the message back and said how I’m trying my best.
Due to my daughter’s anxiety, she has only been sleeping here one out of two nights on the weekends they are here and it’s always in my bed. When I first moved in here, I could only afford really cheap beds for them. So we decided to buy some new beds and rearrange rooms throughout the house to make her feel more comfortable. For the last week, I’ve been spending a small fortune on new furniture. Then I have to put it all together and clean out rooms. In other words, not a lot of relaxing going on. Trying to get all of this done before the weekend with them and before the new job starts. Plus worrying about Christmas shopping!
Really looking forward to my appointment tomorrow with my psychologist. Feel like I’m constantly being reminded how alone I am in this country lately. And I feel sick about this weekend. How’s the concert going to be? Will my daughter come and be ok? Will she sleep in her new bed both nights? I’m trying my best with everything, but is it good enough?