Don’t really know where to start on this post. It’s been a rough couple days to the point where I was in tears a lot today. Just really sick of getting knocked down…
My last post was about confidence and how much mine has improved. Unfortunately that had a major hit. My audition for the next musical production was last week. I was really proud of how well I did. Feel like it was my best. And even my choreography audition was way better than the last show. If I didn’t get the role I wanted, I was confident they would cast me in another role.
Callbacks were a few days after the auditions and I didn’t get any email. Wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. I was still hopeful that I’d at least be in the ensemble cast. The local arts council is like a family and so many people do every show, even if it’s smaller roles sometimes.
Getting knocked down so often makes it really difficult to get back up each time. As you can probably guess, I did not get cast in the show. Just got a generic email, not even personalized to say how I did. And there wouldn’t have been many that didn’t get in.
I can handle the disappointment, but the embarrassment is what hurts a lot. Felt like I’d finally found my home in this country after twenty years but now I just feel stupid for thinking that. And for thinking that my audition was good. Maybe they just don’t like me. Or it’s possible that I was terrible in the last show. They announced the cast the next day and it looks like everyone from previous show who auditioned got in except for me…
Then to top it off, my area manager at work keeps bullying me. So that’s made it really difficult to go to work. Ended up leaving early today because I felt like I was going to break down and my doctor gave me the rest of the week off. My emotions got the better of me today and once I got home, the tears flowed randomly for a couple hours.
What have I done to deserve these bad things that happen? I can’t stop feeling like an idiot. Not sure now if I actually made any friends from the last show, no one has been in touch to say sorry I didn’t get in. My year of change was supposed to end better than this. Feel like I’m almost back to square one. I can’t keep getting knocked down like this.