I have always tended to keep my emotions in check, especially around other people. Maybe that is what prevents me from making close friends.
Anger and sadness are two emotions that I really don’t show to anyone normally. They bottle up inside me, since there isn’t anyone to talk to about it. I know it’s not good and with all the changes I’ve been making this year, I am starting to be more open with people.
Last night, my ex made a comment in front of the kids after I dropped them off. With all my rehearsals and an upcoming work conference, the kids can’t come over quite as much in the next six weeks. So she said how I was missing out on a lot of time with them. It made me so angry that she would say that. All I’ve done for the last three and a half years is make the kids a priority. All three of them gave their blessing when I mentioned auditioning for the show and I know the kids are supportive. Finally doing something for myself and she says something like that. I left very quickly after that, got in the car, and let out all that anger as I was driving home.
If you ask anyone that knows me, they would say I’m a really calm person that never gets angry. So I actually surprise myself when it comes out like that. Recently at work, I showed my anger in a response to my new area manager. I was polite enough, but he knew how I felt. Never would have done that in the last few years.
Others can probably tell when I’m sad or down, but they never see my tears. But at home by myself, sometimes those tears flow. Just wish I had someone’s shoulder to do it on. It happened last night after the anger subsided when I had the thought maybe the kids were better off without me in their life. I could just move back to Canada and maybe my daughter’s anxiety would get better. Don’t think I could do that though, not while they are young still.
I believe it can be healthy to share your emotions with friends and family. In one of my recent posts, I mentioned feeling more like myself than I ever have in my life. But it’s possible my confidence has gone down with everything happening. Maybe it’s time to break down some more walls…